I'm kind of bursting with emotion right now, so I hope what I'm about to write makes sense. I hope it does make sense, but maybe this is more of a put-my-thoughts-and-emotions-into-words kind of blog post. And maybe this is too personal for the world-wide-web. But maybe there is someone who needs this as much as I do. You never know.
Something has been on my mind for the past couple of months, and my dear sweet Sister Applonie put it into words for me during the first week of school:
the process of transformation.
I've had some really interesting experiences in the last year and in recent months. I was really struggling with who I was and... I guess who I thought I should be; who I wanted to be. The problem was, I didn't know how to do that. I saw these people around me who knew what they wanted, who knew where they were going, and how they were going to do it.
(Truth is, not everyone does. Even if they seem like they know exactly what they're doing, chances are they have/had challenges. Not everyone has it together all the time. That's not human.) I felt stuck. I truly felt like I was stuck in this rut that no matter how many times I felt sorry for myself, or talked it out, or thought about it, I felt I was to be rut-ed forever. It's not that I didn't have a testimony or anything like that. I've been blessed with a testimony of God and Jesus Christ that even when I have my doubts, has always been there, no matter how small it may seem to me at the time. It was more of a "Okay Heavenly Father. I'm here. What am I doing?"I felt like I was doing nothing. So what changed? I'm still trying to figure that out. But I think it started with this thought:
The first and great commandment is to love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, soul, and mind. The second, to love thy neighbor as thyself.
Matthew 22:37-38
Thyself.
I started thinking, would I say the things I say to myself out loud? Would I say them to my best friend? Would I say them to my family? Would I say them to a stranger? No. Not in the least. As one who will go to great lengths to avoid hurting anyone's feelings, I can say without a doubt I would not. So why, why,
why was I saying those things to myself? Why was I beating myself up? Why was I not treating myself with charity? (I promise this all has a point...)
I don't recall having a specific turning point when I decided that I would start to be kinder to myself, but I do remember the things I started to change. I tried to keep my complaining pity-parties to a dull roar. I looked at the things that I did not particularly care for in my life that I could control and tried to find a way to change them. (I've still got a long ways to go, but the important thing is that I've started, and I do not want "return to the fishing boats" as Elder Holland recently spoke of the Apostle Peter.) It took a while, and I am
far from perfect but the important thing is to keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying. Sometimes that is all that keeps me going when all I want to do is quit. In a Sacrament meeting talk today, I heard this thought that I loved: "I like to think of the people in the Celestial kingdom as those who have fallen the most. But they are also the ones who have gotten back up every single time." When our arms ache and our backs are broken, there is one whose arm is always, always, always there. Our Savior Jesus Christ.
That's what the Atonement is all about. Turning our heart towards God. He wants us to become like Him. But the great thing is, He doesn't expect that of us
right now. If He did, He wouldn't have given us a way to correct our faults. He wouldn't have provided us with a life where we would learn if we were to be perfect NOW- how would we learn without failing every once in a while? I think that is Satan's plan. He proposed that our lives would have been laid out for us. That would have been easy. But we literally would have gained nothing from that. Nothing. Our Heavenly Father wants us to gain
everything. All that the Father hath.
So, He gave us something that no one else could: a life eraser. Literally. "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow."
Isaiah 1:18 I love that imagery. Have you ever tried to get a blood stain out of something? I swear there is no substance on the planet that can. It is permanent. The Lord will take that stain out. His Atonement, provided that we have faith in it and use it, is that substance. It is that eraser. Our mistakes, our shortcomings, our faults, our flaws, our sicknesses, our worries, our fears, our pains, our headaches, our angers, our insecurities. Gone. Wiped out. Vanished.
Erased. He will remember them no more.
An important aspect of the Atonement I sometimes forget is the moving forward part. We have to forgive ourselves, too. Easier said than done, I know. The important thing is to focus our attention on forgetting our past heartaches and mistakes and forgiving others and ourselves and turning our hearts to the Lord. Take the things we've learned and run with it.
We are not expected to be perfect right now. The beauty of the process of transformation, the journey from being one person and becoming more Christlike and more heavenly, is that it is a
process. It takes time. It does not happen overnight. It just doesn't. It's a slow process, and it is hard. I'm just starting to understand this. As I continue to think this through, my understanding of the Atonement is growing. I want to share it. That's why I'm sharing this on my blog rather than just my journal. My desire to share my testimony of transforming is growing. My desire to better the lives of others by inviting them to come unto Christ is growing. My understanding of my and everyone's divine nature is surely growing. I want others, who are ready to change their lives for the better, to feel the insane combination of pain and joy from putting your will and life in the hands of God. I know He loves me. I know it. Because I feel it every day. I know my Savior lives. I want others to know it too.
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